Jealousy

This is going to sound bizarre, but I often find myself jealous of my husband’s relationship with the small one.  (I know, you often hear about new dads being jealous of the mother’s relationship, as it’s all about the boob.)  You see, his relationship is one of pure joy, and not weighed down with need like my relationship with our son.  He can place the little guy on his chest for a nap and they both sleep pleasantly, whereas I place the small one anywhere near my chest and the endless quest for nipple begins.  His big hands and strong arms can swing the little guy around to his delight while I need to hold him with both arms.

A lot of it is personality… I am the nervous one whereas my husband takes on fatherhood with pure joy.  He boldly attempted the first bath after having only watched the child get bathed once, while I frantically flipped through books to double check water temperature.

A lot of it is our roles… I am with the small one 24 hours a day, in the most literal sense of with.  I am never more than a few rooms away, we share a bedroom, and ten times a day we sit down to nurse.  And I do enjoy this unique relationship, but it is one as much couched in love as it is obligation… my husband doesn’t have to cuddle, he wants to.  Whereas I am the only one who can feed him, the one who’s there to change his diaper in the middle of the night, the only caregiver in the house during the day.  And while I know I love my son, I can’t say I awake to his crying at 3AM with a sense of joy or excitement.

It reminds me of how I felt at the hospital… we’d give him back to the nursery at night and they’d bring him to me when it was time to feed.  And each time the nurses wheeled him in the room and placed him in my arms, it felt like Christmas morning.  I would even wake up a bit before the next feeding because I would miss him.  Even at 3 in the morning.

And while I know that the remaining nine weeks of my maternity leave will fly by and I will soon mourn the loss of the time I currently spend with the small one, right now I’m tired.  And grateful that my husband can sweep in with full energy and mesmerize our son.  Even if I do wish I had his baby mojo.

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One Response to “Jealousy”

  1. jennifer Says:

    one night I realized it was a privilege and an honor to be the only one who could do what I did for those boys. the only person in the world willing and able to make myself miserable for them. i sense nostalgia on my part, but i do remember that moment and how uniquely mother i felt and the awesome burden but greatest love, its crazy. thanks for sharing, and letting me too.

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