A touch of crazy

I have been fortunate enough to never experience any clinical mental illness.  Besides a bought of mourning over a break-up in college, I don’t believe I’ve ever felt so down that I couldn’t get out of bed.  I’ve never had an anxiety attack and, generally speaking, I’ve always been someone people describe as rock solid to the point of being bitchy (even though my husband would describe my logic as bat-shit crazy most days).  That being said, I once had the misfortune to undergo a medical procedure that involved getting an adrenalin shot.  The sheer panic that ripped through my body as my heart rate pounded and my eyes searched the room only last about 10 minutes, but it was a terrifying experience that left me endlessly grateful that I do not have an anxiety disorder and a complete empathy for anyone whose body subjects them to that awful feeling with any regularity.

All that is the long winded way of introducing my first inklings of what can only be described as pregnancy-related insanity.  Without detailing the sheer chaos that were my dreams last night, let’s briefly review some of the general themes:

1. Being rejected by a loved one
2. The child being born with Down Syndrome (but no one else seems to notice)
3. My not being able to care for the child (he kept repeatedly rolling off the bed and I only barely caught him each time)
4. Friends looking on at my feeble attempts at parenting with disgust (not even pity)
5. My somehow disappearing from my child’s life for something over a month (completely unexplained, of course) and the baby not recognizing me
6. Being stranded abroad somewhere amazing (like Tahiti) while character who played my ex of some sort (he didn’t look like anyone I know) meets native gal and falls in love
7. Moving – to an apartment that looked like a dorm room

Needless to say, I did not sleep well last night.  And no, I have no idea how any of these story lines possibly fit together – if I did, I would have an amazing career as a soap writer ahead of me.  What I do know is that I repeatedly woke with that awful adrenaline feeling – not the good, sports kind that is couple with endorphins, oh no this was the heart pounding anxiety that leads to frantic and irrational behavior.  The only saving grace is that I was so damn tired and it’s so damn difficult to get out of bed these days that instead of doing something totally manic, like cleaning, I just kept going back to sleep, only to be revisited by yet another completely mad dream. 

I am not a fan. 

Fuck wanting my body back, I want my brain back.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: